I wrote in a previous Substack, Recognizing Fear, that after reading Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear, I embarked on a quest to unearth past traumas to find out if my instincts showed up. If so, I listened to what they were saying and learned from how I responded. In essence, I set out to train myself to trust myself by delving into my memories. That said, once I could listen to them, learning to act on them took practice.
Audio version: My Steel Wall
Trust that what causes alarm probably should, because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways:
It’s always in response to something.
It always has your best interest at heart.
...Clearly, not everything we predict will come to pass, but since intuition is always in response to something, rather than making a fast effort to explain it away or deny the possible hazard, we are wise (and more true to nature) if we make an effort to identify the hazard, if it exists.
- The Gift of Fear, page 78.
The Subway sandwich shop was the only place within walking distance of the Health Department. I was taking a one-day class to test for my Washington State Food Worker Card. We were released for a 30 minute lunch break; the smart ones brought a lunch, the rest of us headed to Subway to wait in a ridiculously long line.
Once inside, I watched the Subway workers and wondered how closely they follow health department protocol, when the classmate behind me leaned in and whispered, “hey.”
Instantly, the hair on the back of my neck went on alert and I felt a steel wall go down inside me.
By this point in my life, a year and half had passed since I escaped with my kids to a domestic violence shelter. I’d learned a lot about myself, had read the Gift of Fear and had ransacked my memories to analyze how my instincts showed up.
So when the dude said, “hey” and my guard went up like a steel wall…I knew my instincts were on fire, but now I had to act on them in the moment.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t feel like I was in imminent danger. It was more like, this dude is bad news, stay away from him.
Tactic #1 - I pretended I didn’t hear him.
“Hello there,” he said a little louder.
I studied the menu.
“HELLOoooooo” he said again then waved to get my attention.
He wasn’t going to be ignored so I had to change tactics. I turned and looked at him. He was tall, muscular, tatted, with dark hair and a chip on his shoulder. He was the bad boy stereotype. I nodded, said “hey” then turned away.
He tried to initiate a conversation a few more times. I kept my answers short and dry. He got the hint and stopped.
Now, there was nothing to do but wait in line, so despite not speaking to him, I was very aware of his presence. After he stopped trying to talk to me, I began to feel bad for being so cold and unfriendly.
But, wait, that wasn’t really it. Really, I was worried I’d pissed him off and that made me uncomfortable.
It’s was an internal bait and switch. Stop focusing on something I can’t control (him) and turn my thoughts toward something I can control (me).
It’s rooted in self preservation. Somehow I believe that being nice equals being safe, but it’s a lie. It’s what I call Unspoken Agreements. You see, the other person is completely unaware that if I’m being nice, that means that they are supposed to be nice - or at a minimum to not be mean or dangerous.
So there I was, sitting with my uncomfortable feeling of being rude. I didn’t give in and start a conversation, but I was feeling weak and like I needed to do something to appease this person to keep myself safer.
I ordered, paid and waited for my hot sandwich.
He ordered, paid for his cold sandwich and he walked away.
When my sandwich was done, I looked around for a place to sit and eat, but all the tables and chairs were taken by my food worker classmates. All of them, except for one. There was an empty seat across the table from this dude.
Shit. We weren’t allowed to bring food back to class. I suppose I could eat as I walked back to class, but I didn’t want to do that.
Instead, I looked at the empty chair next to him and said to myself, “It’s ten minutes. What’s the harm? Besides, it’s crowded, you’ll be fine. And, maybe you're wrong about him. Why don’t you just be nice. Jeez Sidse, calm down.”
All this internal dialogue, so I could dismiss my instincts and activate the process that I thought would keep me safe - be nice.
I walked up to him and asked. “Do you mind if I sit here?”
He half laughed, “I thought you weren’t going to talk to me.”
“Yeah, sorry for being rude, I don’t talk to strangers much.”
He motions for me to sit down.
“Thanks.” I sit and unwrap my sandwich.
“How do you like the class?” he asked.
“It’s fine. I have a science degree so the microbiology stuff is interesting to me.”
“What are you doing getting your food worker card if you have a science degree?”
“Good question. I’m not sure either,” I said, biting into my sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub.
“I love science, black holes, all that shit,” he said.
I nod and chew, “me too.”
“You know, I’m thinking of going back to school.”
“You should,” I say, finishing my bite.
“I was going to go to college, but I went to prison instead.”
“Really?” I said, surprised by the new direction of our conversation.
“Yeah. I got out three weeks ago. Ten years of my life, POOF. Now, I have to start over from scratch at thirty two,” There’s an edge to his voice.
“You’re still young. Most people start college later. You won’t be out of place. You can do it.”
“Yeah, I think I will, but I have a major resentment that I can’t get over.”
“Resentments are tough, you should work through that with someone.”
“You wanna know why? Because I was innocent. Now I have a felony on my record. You know how hard it is to get a job with a felony? That’s why I'm in this damn class. Food service is one of the only legit ways to earn.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what did you go to prison for?”
“My friends did an armed bank robbery and the police lied and said I was the getaway car, but I didn’t know anything.”
“You didn’t know anything?” I said, emphasizing “anything”
“I didn’t know they were going to rob the place. They asked me for a ride and told me to wait in the car. The DA framed me.”
“An armed bank robbery huh?” I said. Now I know at least one reason my instincts flared up.
“You were the getaway driver for an armed bank robbery and you really didn’t know ANYTHING? Come on.”
“Whoa, you don’t believe me?”
“It’s kinda hard to believe that you didn’t know anything. They were your friends and they were taking guns into a bank.” I said matter of factly.
He gets cold, “I don’t need to defend myself to you. I served my time.”
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. Then I had to ask, “did anyone get hurt?”
“You mean besides me and losing ten years of my life? No. No one was hurt.”
I kept thinking about my guard going up. I didn’t feel like I was in danger from this thirty two year old kid newly released from prison. But the similarities to my ex-husband gave me the chills.
I decided to share, “I’ve never been in prison, I have no idea what you’ve been through, but my ex-husband served time in Mexico for an armed bank robbery when he was 16. He wasn’t innocent, someone was hurt and I’ve heard how tough it is inside.”
“Mexican prison, that’s rough.” he says.
“Whether you’re innocent or not, it’s hard to lose ten years of your life. I’ve been sober for seven years. You gotta work through that resentment before it kills you or someone else.” I crumpled up my sandwich paper and got up. “Good luck.”
I went back to class. He came back, but he steered clear of me and I never saw him again.
The experience ended benignly, but it was a powerful lesson for me about listening to my instincts. My guard went up like a steel door and yet I talked myself out of it for a seat at a table. Per the Gift of Fear, there was one pre-incident indicator of violence. Too many details.
He gave me lots of unsolicited information. Sure, maybe he just wanted to talk, but it felt like he needed to convince me of his innocence so he could keep his resentment going. Of course, I don’t know the truth or what his motive was.
What I do know, is that my guard went up like a steel wall, I rationalized it back down.
After this experience, when my guard went up, I left it in place.